Thursday, September 22, 2016

"But I'm into doing, What I feel like doing, When I'm inspired."

Part Two of Two.TW: Suicide 

But that's really the weird thing about mental illnesses. Or so I've learned. You see--things can be great like really freaking great, but in a moments notice--everything crumbles around you. Ned took his life in 2013. The struggle became too much for him and he had let go.

This sent my life into shock. I knew I needed help, I just didn't know how to get it. I searched online and came up with the conclusion the local mental health authority was where I needed to make an appointment.

The appointment was awful, all I really could say is my friend killed himself--and if he can, I know it's possible for me, because I did want to kill myself.... sometimes.

They pushed me out the door with a wave and said because I didn't want to harm myself or anyone else in that moment, I didn't qualify for help. But if I ended up a drug addict they could help me a lot.

I found myself crying outside of the building waiting for my ride to pick me up. I dialed a mutual friend Ned and I shared. I was scared and confused. Which really didn't help anything, I felt like I was entering this black hole and no one was willing to help me. But my friend told me to contact her when I needed to talk.

This is where everything gets kind of crazy--I DID fall down a black hole. I tried to go to college, and start as an assistant to a literary agent AND my relationship was falling apart. My doctor put me on a medication in an attempt to help me get through this.

And then the day came... I had a complete meltdown I had signed on to stage manage a show--it was opening weekend, that was the only thing keeping me alive because if I died who else would run the show...? During the second week my fiance and I broke up--I went home and went full Britney and shaved my head.

I lasted a month of this downhill battle--I knew I needed help again.

I sat in my bedroom, two bottles of my heart medication in hand. The quickest calmest death. I had it all planned out. I did take one of each... to get things started. And then I looked over and saw my copy of an ARC Ned had sent me.

Instantly flashbacks to when I found out, over different news outlets, that my friend had taken his life. The hurt I had for months after that, drinking wine and crying in the bathtub. Confusion about my own mental health when I asked and was denied. The hurt caused to everyone around him.

I stood up, put the pills down and slept in my Mother's room until I could get to the doctor the next day. I was admitted to the hospital for about a week. All of that--it was a lot of shit to go through. And luckily enough I had a support system to keep me safe when I truly needed it.

I think one thing I want you to remember is SOMEONE somewhere cares about you, even if it's your boss at work, or your dog--or that little old librarian that smiles when you come in. Second, never stop seeking help---now's not the time to worry about bills or anything else related. You're a fucking star, and you need to keep shining.

Having trouble getting assistance? Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline @ 1-800-273-8255 - There will always be someone there for you. Even on holidays--if all hell breaks loose on Christmas SEEK THE HELP YOU NEED, Call that number or even call 911--You matter.

Until Next Time,

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